Shoot the Birds, Squash the Bees
by Phenomenon
Summary: AU oneshot Kaede is a kindergarten teacher. All hell breaks loose when Miroku asks that one fatal question during class...


_Hello again! Here's another one-shot for ya. I had this idea while I was still in the middle of my last fic, but I didn't want to write it until I finished that last one. On that note, I would really like if you guys would take a look at it; no one's reviewed the last chapter yet! Anyway, basically for this fic you only need to remember this: everyone except Kaede has been reduced to the age of 5 (five), except Sesshomaru who is 6 (six), and no character is ever safe. If I want them to be bashed, dangit, they will be bashed! Now, onto the story!_

_Disclaimer: Never owned anything, never will._

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**Shoot the Birds, Squash the Bees**

"So, class," Kaede addressed her kindergarten class as she wrapped up a math lesson, "If Billy picks two apples and Sally picks one apple…" she drew three abstract-looking apples on the blackboard, "…then together they have three. And if Billy were to eat one of his apples…" now she erased one of the apples, "now two are left. Understand, children?" Most of the class nodded their heads solemnly, but others were in another world.

Koga was staring blankly at the board. Inuyasha was doodling on his math paper while Sesshomaru had ripped off a piece of his own paper and was now aiming it at his little brother's head. In the corner, Miroku had his hand up, and was waving it wildly.

Kaede cursed mentally. She knew Miroku didn't mean it, but every time he made a comment, the whole class would get riled up. It was like some sort of curse! She remembered the day that it first started…

"_Miss Kaede! Miss Kaede!" Miroku called, flailing his hand around as to get the teacher's attention._

"_Yes, Miroku?" Kaede answered, having no idea what this would lead up to. Upon being called, Miroku jumped up to his feet. "Miss Kaede, I was wondering, how can my feet smell if they don't have a nose?" There was one second of silence, then the class went in an uproar of affirmatives, now wondering the same thing Miroku was. Kaede slapped her forehead._

And ever since that day, it's been question after question…

"_Miss Kaede! How can the ocean be blue and clear at the same time?"_

"_If we get taller when we get older, then why is my grandma so short?"_

"_Who puts the water on the grass in the morning?" _They were all innocent questions, but always enough to start an instant class discussion. For now, she would pretend that she didn't see Miroku.

"Miss Kaede!" Ginta called, while his friend Hakkaku snickered beside him. "If Billy pukes his apple, do they have three again?"

"Ginta, time out." Kaede pointed to the corner, where Ginta began dragging his feet towards.

"Well, what if they make an apple pie?" Kagome asked, "How many apples do they have now?"

"Why did the girl only get one apple?" Sango asked heatedly, crossing her arms. And that's when Kaede did it…she accidentally called on Miroku.

Just like he always did, Miroku jumped up to his feet. "Miss Kaede…" There was a moment's hesitation. "Where do babies come from!"

Kaede's eyes almost popped out of her head. The girls gasped and the boys' jaws hung slackly. Koga's stare was still at the board. This lasted, as it usually does, for approximately one second.

"Where _do _babies come from…?" Inuyasha thought out loud.

"Oh, that's easy," Kagura answered, waving the thought off, "the toy store!"

"Those babies are fake," Miroku said, then looked back at his teacher. "I wanna know where real babies come from!"

"Ugh…" Kaede paused, trying to figure out how to slither out of this one. "Miroku, your parents should-"

"I already asked them," Miroku cut off, "My mommy said, 'ask when you're older,' and my daddy said…um…I didn't understand, so can you tell me please?"

"My mommy said babies come from the stork!" Kagome put in.

"The stork…" this caused a bit more of a buzz.

"What's a stork?" Ayame asked while visions of disgusting monsters played in her mind.

"It's a bird," Sango answered.

"A baby comes from a bird? No way!" protested a skeptical Naraku.

"He's right, that couldn't make sense," Hakkaku agreed while Ginta still fumed in time out, "nothing could lay an egg that big."

"I know where babies come from," came the voice of the usually silent Kanna. Everyone focused on her. "They come from…girls." Every uproar that Miroku ever stirred was child's play (A/N: hahahaha!) compared to this.

"Girls! Ugh!"

"Nuh-uh, 'cause I never got a baby!"

"That's silly," said the already haughty Sesshomaru, "It's not like a girl can pull a baby from out of her-"

"Is it true?" Miroku asked, with a look in his eyes that went beyond childhood.

Kaede faltered. "N-no…" The children instantly picked up on her fear.

"I can't believe it," Ayame said, cradling her head with her hands. Beside her, Koga blinked at the board.

"S-so if I don't have a baby, does that mean I'm not a girl?" When Kagome said this, she instilled fear in the other girls as well.

Kaede waved her hands, trying to restore peace. "Of course not, Kagome…" On Kagome's right came a squeal. This was the result of Miroku grabbing Sango's hand, with Sango yelping on contact.

"Sango, please give me a baby!" Miroku nearly begged. Sango didn't respond, only yanked her hand back, then stared at it with disgust after shooting Miroku a shocked look. Her hand then began to shake as her breathing got heavier. Finally she yelled, "C-cooties! KAGOME!"

Kagome rushed by her friend's side instantly and took her wrist. "Calm down, Sango. If we wash it now, then you won't get 'taminated. Outta the way!" She began to shove her classmates out of her way as she dragged Sango to the bathroom by her wrist.

"Do cooties make you get babies?" Kagura asked her sister.

"I hope not," Kanna answered.

Meanwhile, Koga has finally snapped out of his trance. "So lemme get this straight: Billy's apples plus Sally's apples equals three?"

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_Yay me! I'm proud of the output, but of course I'll take constructive criticism. No, I don't plan to take this story any further, and no, I don't care if you have a problem with Koga's slowness. Maybe I do write too many Miroku oneshots, but it's just so frickin' easy! Here's another plea to read my story _The Replacement. _If you don't, that's cool, just please leave a review for this. Thanks!_


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